Heartbroken

It's been a week. A week to the day of when my world closed in on me. I am not even sure what happened - all I know is I said the words but he was the one who actually ended the relationship. Now I am left with more questions than answers while he just carries on - not missing a beat.

I saw him working yesterday. He seemed happy. I guess he feels relieved of the pressure he created. He is too cowardly to call - to make sure I am okay, to say sorry... At a minimum I would think he could call to thank me for making it easy on him. I did the hard part for him, I gave back the ring, I told my son, I paid the $700 to get out of Washington a day early, I did the work. He just hopped on the phone with his new muse and entertained himself with someone new. He can't stand to be alone with himself.

I'm not doing too good being alone with myself these days either. That is when it hurts the most.

The hardest part about this for me is now I can’t figure out what was real between us. I keep replaying over and over in my mind the little moments we shared and the ways we connected. Talking for hours and hours on the phone about nothing, about everything. The plans we made to build a great relationship. The promises we made to each other to face our baggage, weaknesses and fears. I went through the most painful time in my life with him on the other end of the phone giving me comfort and strength. The plans we made. The interests we shared. The times he made me laugh. The times he restored my hope. Smiling until my face hurt when I talked to him. All the heart felt letters and cards he sent to me – the little and big ways he showed me his love.

I look back on the slow process of opening up my heart to him. Every step of the way I would ask him if he was sure. I would ask him if we should slow down. I would ask if he was really ready to deal with my son and how his life would have to change being involved with two new people. He knew how much pain my son had faced - how hard this past year had been for him. He knew how excited my son was that his mom had met someone who made her heart sing. He made the effort to try to get to know him and be a part of his life. He asked my son's permission to ask me to marry him.

He knew my mom was beginning a fight for her life. He knew how scared I was to watch her suffer as she learned to fight cancer. She still had the drains in her chest from when they removed her breast when he took us all out to dinner and asked my mom and dad permission to marry me.

What was he thinking?

How my face would light up when I would see he was calling. The reunions at the airport. Being torn when we parted. I am haunted by the memory of his skin against mine – feeling enveloped by his love. We talked about so much – our pasts, what we wanted for the future, what kind of life we wanted to build - filled with family and friends and experiences. What happened?

I need to believe that what we experienced was real and now I can’t. I feel like it was a big act driven by his ego or he just needed to be in a relationship and I was just the right place at the right time to go down the wrong path with him.

I blame myself too. I knew he had issues. And once again, I believed in the human spirit’s capacity to change and in love. I believed in him and took the risk. There were red flags and I didn’t heed them. I have some responsibility for my pain in this too. That doesn’t take away from the fact that he was not only dishonest with me – he intentionally and repeatedly deceived me. And not just me – my son, my parents, my grandmother, my friends, family and co-workers – his mom, sister and brother, dad, friends, family and co-workers. He has a great family who loves him and wants him to be happy. They are good people, I felt that from all of them. Something started to go wrong and instead of talking to me about it he jumped into relations with other people to cope. It is quite possible he was doing this all along. His ego so fragile he can’t live without the excitement of flirting with someone new – someone who finds him charming but is far enough away from his flaws and struggles. Being in a relationship is a process of revealing yourself to another person. The more I knew him, the more I loved him. I thought he felt the same way. It was so hard for me to open up to him – actually painful at times. I wanted to protect myself. I wanted to protect my son. I felt like a flower struggling to open to the morning sun. His warmth encouraging me to take that step – to let nature take it’s course – to have the courage to love.

I thought he and I were working on something that we were both committed to make great. He told me repeatedly how committed he was to that goal. He didn’t even try to actually address whatever the issues were. He didn’t give it an opportunity to work out. Whatever was going on  – I would have tried to work it out or tried to understand. At a minimum I expected him to be honest with me if he learned down the road that he didn’t think we could get there for one reason or another. I begged him to be honest with me if he was having second thoughts - repeatedly. He kept reassuring me and asking for my trust. I truly don’t understand why he wanted my trust. I don’t get what the end game was for him in this.

I treated him well. I didn't want to build my life around him but I did want to include him in the building of my life - if that makes sense. He hasn't even called or written to see how I am. That just boggles my brain. He denies himself a life of depth and richness. He doesn’t even get he deserves the kind of love that can only come from sticking with someone long enough for a deep connection to grow. I wanted to give him shelter from the ups and downs of life. I wanted to care for him and look after him. I wanted to help him become the best person he could be. I wanted to grow old with him and be his companion. I wanted to nourish his soul. I wanted to make him happy. And I get that just because I wanted to give him these things it didn't mean he was obligated to return them. He was obligated, in my opinion, to be honest with me. He was obligated to uphold the commitment he made to me or break it in an honorable way. He was obligated to treat me and my son with respect. I'm a human being with feelings and I gave him my heart because he asked for it and told me he would take care of it. 

Right now, I am lost. I’m lost without him. I’m lost because of him. I feel like I lost my best friend and the future I thought we were going to build together. And as much as it would have hurt to hear that he couldn’t continue our relationship – it would have been a respectful ending to a loving experience. I felt a connection with him that I hadn’t felt with another human being. I want to cherish the memory of that and take it away from this - but now I can’t – he essentially took it all back through his actions. He let me know that he told me what I wanted to hear and not what he felt. He let me walk away without honestly telling me what went wrong. I can't believe he let me walk away and let it end like this. My heart is broken.

I wonder what story he will tell his family and the women he is talking to now. In this I feel so sorry for Laura and all the others who came before me. I am sure I am not the first to feel the sting of this pain. I hope and pray for his sake and anyone else he chooses to get involved with that I am the last.

I can't take away the love I gave to him because I am disappointed because I gave it freely. Even though I am devestated and disappointed I still love him as a person and want him to find happiness. I need to find a way to forgive him and accept what has happened. I need to fall out of love and once again find courage - this time to let go.